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Sunday, December 31, 2006
this shall be the last post of 2006. blogging before i go for watchnight service at zion serangoon. then zooming over to bc for chocolate party and sleepover =D i was supposed to go for thanksgiving dinner at bc but told elaine i wouldnt because i was supposed to have dinner with the cousin gang, they're going to changi airport. weird place to go to, but airports are always nice. but i decided to give it a miss because i slept late yesterday. thanks to my wonderful brain which couldnt stop working, and my mind which couldnt stop thinking. been thinking more this week because im most free this week. disjointed thoughts are horrible. i feel cold now even without the fan and my throat is itchy. i think im falling sick that's wonderful isnt it.
had a "sibling talk" with my sis and bro yesterday. minus all the rubbish and making fun of each other- kor and i have concluded that jie was picked up from the rubbish bin. she's the only one who has really curly hair [before she rebonded her hair] among the three of us. she told us her sad story "you know my hair was very straight last time. then one day i woke up when i was in p2, looked in the mirror and oh s*** it was super curly" the both of us started laughing like crazy and kor told her "you sounded like an absolute loser when you said that"- it was pretty cool. but anyway yes i realise that we are rather similar despite our different personalities and all. we're perceptive and know more than we appear to. we dislike the same kind of people. we think. [and we all agree that last christmas is such a sad song. last christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away. poor guy man. but that's besides the point]
yesterdays qt was on God-confidence vs self-confidence. pondered a lot over it. and was just wondering why i had more self-confidence than God-confidence. i mean ive got all the knowledge in my head. God is in control, God is omnipotent, God holds the world in His hands, with men it's impossible but with God nothing is impossible... but somehow i dont put it into practise. i try ways and means to solve things by myself and only when i feel absolutely defeated do i turn to Him. and when im very low spiritually it gets even worse, i may not even turn to Him, because i'll be thinking to myself "i cant even feel Him" or something along the line. even though im the one who has strayed, i want God to come back to me. i mean i dont know how to put it. it's quite stupid to have so much confidence in myself and so little confidence in God actually. so little confidence in God's power and might, so little confidence in God's neverending love for me, so little confidence in God's faithfulness, so little confidence in God's grace and mercy. but on the other hand, ive so much confidence in myself, in someone who has failed time and time again, in someone so imperfect... it doesnt make sense, but that's just how it is. it's like "okay ive tried coming back to You but i just cant seem to find you. so right now, i shall show You that i can survive without You." and i wage a war with Him, refusing to raise the white flag. and of course this battle is pointless, how can a created being win the creator. it's plain stupidity. and it scares me. okay i dont know how to convert all my thoughts into words so enough.
i know i shouldnt be saying this since im only 14. and i think ive said this before. but man i really hate growing up. i guess we all wish to turn back time at one point or another in our lives dont we. i miss the times when i could cry and get out of anything. i miss the times when i bit my brother and fought with me. i miss the times when i would pout and refuse to say sorry when i was in the wrong. i miss the times when i could watch tv for almost the whole day during schooldays. and all the other times. i especially miss the times when i could do qt and read the bible in the morning and right after i come home and at night before i sleep. when i felt so close to God every single day, and feel Him protecting me when i sleep at night after i prayed when i was still afraid of the dark. and actually i still think i am to a certain extent. is everyone terrified of darkness to some extent? perhaps. the reason why i was/ am scared of the dark is that i cant see beyond it. and i hate not knowing whats going to happen next. it's this whole uncertainty and what not. and perhaps that's why im terrified to take the next step in my spiritual walk. it's like walking in a forest in the middle of the night, you cant see anything, although you know someone is with you you cant see that person, there are beasts lurking around waiting to pounce on you and throw you offtrack. i mean im afraid that the next step i take will lead me to some place i dont want to go. so im just stuck there, and sometimes i stumble backwards because my faith in God weakens. okay bad analogy. but whatever la.
i want to walk in the light, not in darkness.
i need faith Lord, a lot of faith.
everything- lifehouse
find me here
and speak to me
i want to feel You
i need to hear You
You are the light
that's leading me
to the place
where i find peace again
You are the strength
that keeps me walking
You are the hope
that keeps me trusting
You are the life
to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything
and how can i stand here with You
and not be moved by You
would you tell me how could it be
any better than this
You calm the storms
and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You wont let me fall
You steal my heart
and You take my breath away
would You take me in
would You take me deeper now
cause You're all i want
You're all i need
You're everything, everything
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
